Dear lover,

you couldn't bear through the pain any longer and as much as i wanted you to fight for me, for us, for you to stay by my side, i really want you to have some peace of mind. so, we burned the bridges, we burned our safe place. you've given me almost everything i've ever dream of. Constantly taking care of me, reminding me that you love me. Its time for you to focus that energy onto yourself or someone else now.
we tried and now i wish you nothing but the best.
                                                                                                                                         Love, didi.

It felt as if i had to watch the world crumble right before me or at least my world. A world of happiness that i found and built. My safe zone.

Its been some time and there is so much to write about but I don't know where or even how to start without having a breakdown

I don't even know if I'm able to put all of this emotions into words.
 However, I can't handle this tonight; tonight won't be night.

Introvert

My dad said something that kinda triggered my mind a little bit recently and here is the reason to it;
A few days ago a couple of my friends asked me out to an event in the city. they'll be hosting a shadow play. Being a city girl without a hometown, i got really excited because i've always wanted to watch one. anyway i have a very strict curfew and the shows is from 8pm-12am i already got the permission from my mom but i still had to ask my dad so i called him since he was home and i was out in the city with my mom.
He asked me the basic questions, where, when, how are you gonna go back and when it came to the with who part i told him its just with a few boys from my school and later he asked am i only the girl? and i was just like yeah cause i dont see a problem to it, ive known the guys ever since i was 9 yearsold.
The triggering part to this rant of mine is when my dad asked me do i not have any 'GIRL FRIENDS' ? im not gonna lie, at that moment it kinda hit me hard i only have 3 'girl friends' that i would always hang out with. The number of guy friends that i hang out with outweighs the girls.
That 3 friends of mine are barely around most of the time, like i cant just call them and say hey do you wanna go somewhere with me and they'll be like yeah.
i do know that i grew up into a introvert, i keep things private and secured to this small group of people that i know since primary. I honestly have no complaints about it because its easier to manage. However, since we are all grown up ive come to the realization that its kinda sad i still limit myself to those people especially when they are not around as often anymore. I do have other 'girl friends' that ive gained through working and uni but those are just the people that i hang around with in campus or a small reunion once in a blue moon basically.
Lets be real, everyone basically have their own life and just like me they would stick with the people they've known the longest cause they are comfortable and there is nothing much i can do about it.

Count your blessings

to whoever reads my blog, ya'll probably think im ungrateful but the truth is i am very grateful and blessed to own whatever is given to me. To some who knows me personally, they would know how much i loath celebrating raya. i have my own personal reasons that i refuse to write it out to the public eye but i would like to wish everyone a Selamat hari raya maaf zahir dan batin or happy holidays. spent as much time with people who are important to you and never take them for granted. prioritize your family always on any circumstances they are blood after all!

lots of love

Didi xx

Losing sanity

I've been on top and now its time for my downfall, hitting rock bottom once again. My mind is off wandering to the deepest part of my memories i ever had with everyone, giving me breakdowns at any time of the day. Sleep deprived at its best, losing all self control that I've gathered. No longer having a principle to hold on to cause i gave it all away

Abandonment isues

I get really insecure when the person im dating behave differently/ when their vibe feel off because thats when they start to fade away from my life. It terrifies me.